Meditation. Why bother? This question is posed in the Mondo Zen manual.  Why do we sit for hours, doing nothing, going nowhere? How is this helpful?

The Mondo Zen koan process was refined over years by Jun Po Denis Kelly Roshi in collaboration with many students’ feedback.  One aim was to simplify the koan process using language we can relate to in our time. Another aim was to help students in modern life, who may never get to a retreat or monastery.

The first 10 koans help me see that it is a misunderstanding to think that my little personal self, with all my likes, dislikes, definitions, limitations is really who I am.  Jun Po would instruct, “take your seat.”  It took me a while to see that this means releasing the small self-view, to admit that my real identity is vast, compassionate openness.

Unlike approaches in which students work through koans without being given explicit answers, Mondo Zen offers guidance toward particular insights. But understanding an explanation is not the same as embodying it, so the work continues as we bring that understanding into meditation and everyday life. We “take our seat,” the difference between understanding and embodying the teaching.

Seeing through the small self is one thing when we are sitting quietly in meditation. It becomes much more difficult when someone insults us and our familiar defenses spring into action. The final three koans (see below) address this challenge: how do we bring our practice into the moments when we feel threatened by shame, anger, or disconnection?

• Koan 11: What are the deeper feelings that lie beneath violent anger, shame and disconnection?
• Koan 12: Now that you know the deeper feelings beneath these violent emotive reactions, can anyone or anything ever make you violently angry, shame you or make you disconnect/dissociate?
• Koan 13: Select a recurring negative habitual reaction from your daily life and transform it into a conscious, compassionate response.

I’ve spent years developing my personal defenses, how can I see through them?  First, I need to see them.  I need to see how I close myself up and push the insult away. Next, I need to feel what is underneath the defensiveness. What is it that I care about and what am I afraid to lose?

Finally, how can I make a new choice, a response instead of a knee-jerk reaction? Someone insults me and I want to hide or move away.  I deeply care about being in authentic relationship with  others and myself so  moving away is not helpful. After seeing how I move away, can I move back into a relationship with vulnerability and openness?

Another favorite phrase from Jun Po Roshi was, “your angst is your liberation.” Again, it took me a while to realize that every time I get twisted up in fear and anger, I can settle down into my body, find the contraction that accompanies intense emotion, and work my way to the caring underneath.  This offers me a path to liberation: a release into ease, openness, and compassionate action.

Kevala Deb Hoffmann serves as the Mondo Zen Coordinator, offering “An Intro to Mondo” and connecting those interested  in Mondo Zen facilitation with a trained facilitator. Contact Kevala  for more information.